Thank you, whomever you may be.

Today is an especially tough day for me. It's an anniversary of sort, more like a second birthday, a rebirth if you will. On this very date sometime in the hours between 8am and 11am, nine years ago I had my kidney transplant. When I reflect on the events of that day and the two years leading up to it, it's difficult not to become overcome with emotion. It's tough to talk about it with people so I thought maybe I could write about it and hide behind my insecurities (somewhat). People always say it was a miracle, and when you break it down to it's basic components it is strange how all of it came together. If you believe in that sort of thing it would surely qualify as a miracle. There is a joy in it for everyone else involved, but for me it's always been a touchy and troubling issue. I am obviously extremely happy that I am still alive whether by the grace of god or by the miracle of modern science. Yet there is underlining feelings of fear, hurt, failure and regret. I fear that this kidney won't last as long as I want it to and I won't get to see my AVA grow up. That saddens me more for her not having a Father than for me not living and seeing her grow. I have a lot of hurt and hostility towards people who were my friends at the time for not being around as much as I thought they should have been. I have secretly forgiven some of these people because honestly who at the age of 21 wants to hangout in a hospital and watch one of their best friends die. But some will never be forgiven and I will never explain to anyone why, but it is what it is. I have a huge sense of failure when it comes to this "gift" It's something you don't think about until you have to go through it and unfortunately not a lot of people will ever have to go through it so no one can really relate. It's a hard thing living knowing that someone had to die in order for you to live and I've struggled with this for nine years now and to be honest I don't know if I will ever be able to except it. Something or Someone extended my live, so I NEED to live up to that. I am still here for a reason, I just haven't figured out why yet. I know one day I will, then maybe I will rest comfortably. It's been nine years and I remember every thing but only a few details are so fresh in my mind that if I close my eyes I feel like I am in that moment. One I hold so close to my heart only a select few know what it is and the other is the feeling of how alone I felt sitting in the Hospital room . It was in the middle of the night, it was snowing and very peaceful yet I felt empty and ready to die. All I could do was cry, cry because everyone abandoned me, cry because my parents had to come there everyday and watch me die a little more, cry because my 8 year old sister wasn't too young to mentally understand, but old enough to feel my emotional pain, cry because the girl that I loved wouldn't come see me because she couldn't deal with it, cry because all I wanted to do was die already, but the fight that my father instilled in me just wouldn't let me quit. I cried a quiet, slow cry. Just endless streams running down my face with no noise. I had never cried like that ever, and never have since. It was cathartic and I will always cherish that moment. One last thing and I will end this topic until next year. It's been nine years and I have no idea who donated the kidney. All I know was that I was 22 and the cadaver kidney was from a 23 year old and it was a perfect match, only my twin (which does not exist) would have been a better match. I never contacted the family to say hi, and honestly never wanted to. But I would like to take this time to say thank you whomever you are and give a proper toast. One that should have been given at your wake, but was most likely missed. so here goes:

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

To you dear friend, without you there is no me. And I will go on with you as me for as long as I can. Celebrating all the milestones you will never reach for the both of us. You did not die in vain, I won't let it happen.

Thank you