In light of the fact that not a lot of exciting things have been happening to me lately, I thought it would be cool to retell some of my favorite (and laugh out loud hysterical) stories from the past. If you enjoy them I will keep pumping them out, if you don't, well go fuck yourself.
June/July, 2000
Me and a couple of friends the Notorious P.I.G and Worm decided to head up north to the great city of Boston, Massachusetts to take in all the great sites and catch a ball game at Fenway park being that the three of us are all big baseball fans. So we pack up early Friday morning and began our journey and made it to Boston around dinner time. The game we were due to see was Saturday afternoon so the Friday night events were left for beer drinking and relaxing. Now I don't know what happened to me, maybe it was the fact that I drove in a mini van with Pig who forgot to wear deodorant and one window rolled down for 8 hours or it was the pizza we bought from a place called Hazasdecallaionmpyzxta's Pizzeria owned by some greek gentleman who shared the same anti-Right Guard stance that Pig believed in. Now Pig is a very skin gentleman and he earned his name not due to size or lifestyle but do to his profession, none the less he smelled true to his name that day. Whatever it was come 8 o'clock I was ungodly ill and didn't want to move. My stomach was waging war with itself so I told Pig and Worm to go on without me, hell I even gave them money to buy the first round on me. Nice guy right? how do they repay me? by barging in the room at 4 am screaming like they were auditioning for a walk on role in the Zulu tribe. So after what seemed like forever and a day I got them to sleep and lights were out and we were resting for the night like all good Walton's do. I should let you know that this was a one bed motel room so before hand we flipped quarters to see who got the floor. So as it stood it was Worm and I in the twin and Pig had rug duty. So sometime into dreamland I am awoken to some form of water running. It sounded like someone urinating in the corner of the room. I am instantly alarmed by this because Pig has a tendency to make any part of god's green earth his own personal bathroom (even other human beings) especially when he is drinking. So I go to get up but first I have to remove Worm from me, because he has decided to spoon with me at some point in the night. I smack his hand which is place upon my chest, which brings him into a groggily state and I say "what the fuck in Sam hell are you doing?" he just snorts and roles over. I turn the light on to see an empty room with a pile of blankets where Pig was sleeping. I get up and realize the noise is coming from the kitchen. I work my way over to it and notice that the edge of the carpet near the linoleum floor is soaked and that there is about a 6 inch drop from the carpet into the kitchen area which is completely filled with water. I turn the corner to see Pig standing butt naked (not a rarity) in front of the sink with his man meat in his right hand splashing water off his nuts with his left hand. Doing such in a fashion that you would if you were playfully splashing water at a small child in a pool or the tub. There is water EVERYWHERE. On the counters all of the floors, the sink is flooded (he had the stopper in the sink drain). I yell "PIG, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?" he turns to me (never stopping the splashing motion) and says and I quote "Do you ask a ballplayer why he's washing his nuts in the sink?" then throws his arms in the air and yells "NO YOU DON'T...STUPID!" pushes pass me and heads into the bathroom and slams the door in my face. I go to reach for the knob so I can tell him I'm not cleaning this shit up and as soon as I grab the knob the door swings open and he yells into my face "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, SO FUCKING FORGET IT" and slams the door again in my face. Now all I can do is collapse to the floor in laughter, I hear him get into the shower and I collect myself and turn off the sink and grab all of his blankets and spread them out in the kitchen to soak up the water. I get back in bed and go to sleep. Oh yeah Worm never moved during this whole exchange. The next morning I wake to Worm now laying on my chest and hearing Pig shivering. That asshole got out of the shower and collected his soaked blankets from the kitchen covered up in the ice cold air conditioning and went to sleep. When Worm and I finally woke him up his lips were blue and he had a sore throat. God I truly have love that has no bounds for this man. What a fascinating human being.
If you have the pleasure of knowing who PIG is you know this episode is par for the course, if you don't know who he is you will learn more about him in future stories to come.
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As far as the eye could see on a cloudy day, nothing will ever allow me to forget the utter joy I felt the first time I ever heard this story. It has been a few years by now, and I still sat in my computer throne, eyes watering sounding like Mutley the friggin' dog. Thank you for bringing me the type of joy that can only come from self degrading humor. If it weren't for blackouts I probably would've committed Hare Krishna a long time ago. ("That's Hara-kiri Ma. That is exactly what I said"). If I had more time I would post something a little more whitty, but I am on a strict schedule of punching the clown and beating myself until I pass out. (Ding!) Ohhh gotta go!
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